About Toxic Niceness

Are humans losing the ability to face reality and cope?

When Niceness is a Manipulative Facade.

Bless Your Heart!

Can't we humans face reality anymore?  I’ll admit we’re probably all a bit touchy and worn down and we’ve been through a lot this past decade.  Division. Lies. Corruption. Loss of democracy. Loss of the right to our reproductive health. Loss of truth, justice and the rule of law. Loss of stability. Loss of peace of mind and hope. Some people are just plain cruel and maybe getting rich. Some are living in fear. Some are grappling with conspiracy theories coming true. Mostly average people are struggling in varying degrees and we’re all coping differently. Some are gaslighting others and themselves. Some are spiritually bypassing. Others are doom scrolling and waking up every day checking the headlines in hopes of reading the most anticipated obituary in recent history. The pressure feels enormous at times unless you’re one of the bliss bunnies who have dropped out and couldn’t tell Bibi from Zelensky in a line-up. And some might have turned to toxic niceness.

We've been pretty battered and bruised.

I recently joined the online We Do Not Care Club on Facebook started by author Melani Sanders to lighten my mood during the dark days. I can sooo relate to her funny daily outfits and announcements. No doubt she looks like many of us feel. She makes me smile - a lot - like the cat videos do and the women in my Goddess Storytelling circle. This past week the circle topic was Holy Yonis and we had such a great time talking about sacred pubic triangles, Sheela NaGigs, orgasms and reclaiming the taboo words for our lady parts. We're inspired and might soon be getting pink vagina soaps and cunti t-shirts to wear around town in rebellion and solidarity! But I digress.

Back to manipulative facades.

I wonder, if all of the aforementioned turmoil hadn’t been going on would I be thinking about toxic nicety?  Have you heard of it or can you relate to it?  Maybe you were just waiting for someone else to say it?  It’s something like toxic positivity which I felt in full measure when my husband had an accident leaving him with a brain injury. In the blink of an eye we lost our jobs, home, and income. We had to move out of the city to an isolated place we could afford so we also lost our community and I effectively lost my husband of 30+ years and our future because the injury put his lites out for awhile. A person called me “the most negative person in the world” because when she asked I admitted that I was struggling, lonely and depressed. Here I was holding on by a thread having anxiety attacks every nite but I guess according to Miss Positivity I was supposed to pretend life was a bowl of cherries and all my troubles were pretty boxes with beautiful bows decorated in glitter. A therapist told me people often cope with their own feelings of vulnerability and fear of the unknown with toxic positivity. They subconsciously fear if they take a moment to hear reality, lend an ear, or even say I’m sorry for what you’re going through they might suddenly find themselves infected with tragedy too. Which brings me to toxic nicety.

According to Mark Dockendorff, CPC, ELI-MP, in many social and professional settings, being “nice” is often considered a fundamental value. It’s a quality praised and encouraged, particularly in environments that prioritize harmony and cordiality.

But what if this seemingly positive characteristic is actually counterproductive—what if, in fact, it’s doing more harm than good? Like when its used as a manipulative facade.

Enter the concept of “Toxic Niceness,” - an insidious form of social behavior that perpetuates inequity and injustice by valuing surface-level harmony over deep-rooted change. Even more troubling is the toll it takes on our collective mental health, fostering environments of suppressed emotion, unaddressed conflict, and internalized stress.

The doc goes on to say:  At its core, Toxic Niceness is the expectation and enforcement of a consistently pleasant, agreeable attitude that, while appearing benign or even benevolent, ultimately serves to reinforce the status quo. This behavior discourages confrontation, ignores uncomfortable truths, and prioritizes maintaining the current order over challenging systemic inequities. It might also prevent fixing injustices.

Unlike genuine kindness or compassion, which are rooted in empathy and care for others, toxic niceness is more concerned with appearances and preserving the comfort of those in power.

Toxic Niceness manifests in various forms: a polite but empty smile when a colleague makes a sexist remark, a nervous laugh to smooth over a racist joke, or a subtle shift in conversation when a difficult topic comes up. It’s in the phrases like “let’s not get political” or “we’re all on the same team here,” which, on the surface, seem designed to keep things civil but actually silence those who seek to address underlying problems. These behaviors may seem trivial, but they contribute to a culture that minimizes or dismisses legitimate concerns, allowing injustices to fester unchecked.

And Dockendorff explains how it affects our mental health: The effects of Toxic Niceness extend far beyond stifling social progress—they seep into our psychological well-being, eroding our mental health over time. Environments where niceness is enforced at all costs create a culture of emotional suppression. People who experience microaggressions, discrimination, or bullying are often expected to “be the bigger person” and respond with grace, rather than addressing the root of the issue. This expectation to constantly perform niceness forces individuals to bottle up their emotions, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout.

Moreover, the pressure to maintain an agreeable facade can result in emotional dissonance—a state where outward behavior is inconsistent with inner feelings. This dissonance is exhausting, as people find themselves smiling through anger, nodding through frustration, and offering polite responses when they feel hurt or outraged. The long-term consequences of such emotional suppression can include increased anxiety, depression, and a sense of isolation, as individuals feel unable to express their authentic selves. And who needs that, right? 

I recently experienced an unjust situation and being a woman with boundaries and not a shrinking violet, I stood up for myself after I’d exhausted all avenues to resolution and the person who wouldn’t fix the injustice tried to shame me, victimizing the victim you might say, when I disagreed with him. He had the audacity to admit I should have just quietly accepted his decision and calmly thanked him and went away. Seriously? WTF!  Sorry I wasn’t going to thank him for screwing me over! I'm not one of those "obey and submit" chicks.  But he wanted me to be nice, not make him uncomfortable and not state the obvious. He thought I should smile and let him off the hook easy for not fixing the problem! WOW! Well, as we say in the South when someone really ticks us off - Bless His Lil' Heart! If you ever hear someone say that, they're saying fawk you!

I know toxic positivity and toxic niceness have always been around but I’m beginning to think Americans, maybe humans in general, have lost their resilience. Their skin has gotten so thin they can’t tolerate a raised voice or a dissenting idea. They become dis-regulated as they call it these days so the rest of us have to go around walking on eggshells.  It’s as if we all have to punctuate our words with sugar and dot our “I’s” with hearts and flowers or some can't cope! I know a woman who runs everything she says to people in print through ChatGPT first to get the right tone to her words. So afraid are we that we're going to offend. Are we all that on edge? Is it all the stress we’re under in society today. Or are some of us just passive-aggressive weaklings? Is toxic niceness and toxic positivity forms of manipulation? I think so. It can be.

When we challenge we’re suddenly called angry, divisive or aggressive. Or as Dr. Dockendorff says, women in particular advocating for justice or gender equity may be labeled as “difficult” or “unreasonable.” The emphasis on being “nice” becomes a tool to maintain power dynamics by invalidating the experiences of those seeking change. Women in some fundamentalist groups never learn words to resist! And when we prioritize tone over substance, we end up stifling real dialogue.

So what’s the solution? Of course I advocate for us all being nice. It's one of the things I love about where I live - but when it's honest and true. Toxic niceness may keep things smooth and pleasant on the surface, but it comes at the cost of perpetuating harm, injustice, and collective psychological distress. I agree with the good doctor and think it’s time we stop settling for “nice” and start striving for what is just, fair, and true. Put on your big girl and boy panties. We need to thicken our skins a bit and practice getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Let’s choose courage over comfort, truth over ease, and justice over niceness. Being nice or positive simply isn’t enough or called for when it’s used to thwart well being and what’s right. 

What do you think? Let me hear from you.

To read the entire article, The Hidden Harm of Toxic Niceness: How Being Reinforces Injustice and Erodes Mental Health, click here.

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